Love is in the air! Or so it seems mid-February with pink and red knick knacks overflowing on store shelves. We are met with sweet story arcs of romantic comedies and encouraged by advertisers to have intimate dinners by candlelight. These quick snippets of relationships don’t always match how we may feel day to day. These brief glances can miss the intricate relationship dance moving from independence to interdependence, and in some cases moving to what some call codependency. Connection in relationships is vital yet can be confusing when you try to get it right by society’s standards.
Read on to learn more about connection in relationships.
Despite it being mid-February, your relationship might feel tense right now. Sometimes this can be due to increased stress and anxiety. When you feel like the world is out of control, it is a normal response to hold on tightly to what brings you security, safety, and joy. Often, that means holding tighter to our partner or partners. Holding tight can sometimes be labeled as “codependent” and I think it is worth exploring this concept.
Let’s talk about labels.
When I am at the grocery store, labels can be really informative and helpful. For example, if I am lactose intolerant and a product promises it is lactose free then I can move forward with my purchase! However, labeling human behavior can become tricky. Sometimes a label can help bring clarity and awareness to a behavior you desire to change. Often, a label brings shame and shame is a heavy load to carry. Shame can also make you feel stuck – paralyzed by the behavior.
What does it mean to be labeled as “codependent”?
It generally comes with negative connotations. Words like “needy” or “clingy” pop up and some describe it as “losing myself” in the relationship. This can happen when you put your needs last, and everyone else’s needs first. Or it can happen when boundaries are absent or not respected. Think of a Venn Diagram – two circles overlapping. When two people enter a relationship, it is normal for the two lives (circles, in this example) to merge. It can be difficult to maintain a relationship if the two circles never touch – there is no connection, intimacy, or sharing of each other’s lives. It can also be challenging when the two circles are so connected they become one. Where is each circle’s hopes, dreams, needs?
Finding the merged balance is important in each relationship.
There is no “right” or “standard” percentage that the circles should be merged. This requires communication and negotiation between partners. The amount of merging will likely change as needs change throughout life. One season may look like one circle depending more on the other circle. Another season that may switch. The important piece here is that merging is a normal part of relationships and staying in communication is key.
We live in a culture that values independence. Yet without connection in relationships we suffer.
Doing things on your own (garnering success, achievement, personal records) are held at the highest value. To lean on another person is labeled as “weak” or “dependent” and that is a “bad” thing. However, it is natural for humans to desire connection. It is also essential. Without connection, dependence, we suffer greatly.
In instances of pure isolation, research shows our mental health declines.
In extreme cases it can even cause death! Depending on and connecting with others is in your biology to survive. How did this innate desire to connect become harmful? We are often fed messages that complete independence is attaining a level of health, but science shows humans thrive when in community, when in healthy relationships with others.
Interdependence with a partner is to be expected.
It is important to recognize the needs of each partner, which may differ. When these needs differ it can lead to arguments and tension. Couples counseling in St. Pete can offer helpful skills to navigate and negotiate the interdependence without labels of shame. It can help you to strengthen your connection in your relationship.
I want to pause here to say that there are behaviors in relationships that are not healthy or to be tolerated. Interdependence in relationships needs to have a foundation of respect, ability to communicate concerns without retaliation, and safety (emotional, mental and physical). When talking about deepening a connection and redefining codependency, these foundations are essential.
If you are feeling concerned about codependency it may be helpful to get curious about why.
This exploration can be helpful with a relationship therapist. The ME-Therapy team is passionate about helping you explore and embrace your most authentic self and relationships. Perhaps you realize that you are spending all of your time meeting the needs of others, but your needs are ignored. You may not even be in touch with what your needs are. This is okay and by choosing to prioritize your needs, you can actually ensure you have a full tank to meet the needs of others.
This can look like learning to set and reaffirm boundaries that enhance connection in relationships.
Just like learning a new skill, this can feel awkward and hard. A good therapist can help support you and explore the boundaries you desire to create. Perhaps instead of “codependent” you are learning to love yourself as well as love your partner. Adjusting the Venn Diagram to celebrate the independent pieces and the interdependence within your relationship.
If you find yourself depending on your partner it is okay to accept that as a natural desire in relationships. Connection in relationships is important.
If it feels that the two circles are looking more like one and that is getting in the way of the relationship you desire, relationship therapy in Saint Petersburg could be a great first step. The ME-Therapy therapists are here to help you remove shame to uncover the beauty of connection in ways that work best for you and your relationship.
Ready to Start Couples Counseling in St. Pete?
Beginning the journey to your best relationship is easier than most of the things we’re all doing right now! Couples counseling does not have to wait. You can get the mental health support you need with a skilled therapist in St. Pete or with online therapy in Florida. To begin, just follow these simple steps:
- Contact us to request an appointment
- Meet with one of our experienced therapists.
- Get support & begin your journey toward mental wellness & connection today!
Other Mental Health and Wellness Services at ME-Therapy
At ME-Therapy, we believe in the importance of mental, emotional & physical wellbeing. Our therapists want to help your mind but also want to feed your soul. This means we take a holistic approach to mental health. In order to do this, we offer a wide range of mental health services in our St. Petersburg office and online including therapy for women, therapy for men, trauma therapy, therapy for anxiety, and holistic, spiritual therapy. For couples and relationships, we want you to know that our relationship therapists are here for you ALL. In addition to marriage counseling, we provide sex therapy, affair recovery counseling, and poly-friendly kink aware therapy.
