Self Soothe
You know that feeling as if electricity is running through your body? You are in a fight, or even a conversation with your partner, your kids, your friend or co-worker, and you just can’t settle or respond the way you want to. It is like you have been hijacked by something inside of you and you have no idea why. This feeling is your built in survival instinct taking over. We all have it but it doesn’t always serve us well when we aren’t actually in a life or death situation. Self-soothing is a tool that can help you reduce stress and communicate more effectively. Below are some tips to help you begin to learn this valuable tool to reduce stress.
You likely know that we all have a fight or flight response, but you might not know that it is controlled by a specific part of the brain, called the amygdala, that shuts down the logical reasoning part of the brain to help prioritize survival. So, that feeling like you can’t get control, is because you actually are working without the part of your brain that you need at that moment. While our fight or flight response can save our lives when we’re facing grave threats to our physical safety, it can cause unintentional damage to relationships as we fight with or flee from our loved ones during emotional rough patches.
Being able to self-sooth will help you to reduce stress for yourself and to stay present for your partner, which creates deeper intimacy.
Recognizing what’s happening in your body in those moments and taking action to let your brain know that this stressor isn’t life threatening and it’s okay to re-engage the logical reasoning part of your brain can help you more effectively resolve conflict with partners or loved ones and manage stress to promote your own well-being. How do you do that, you ask? Let me introduce you to my dear friend, a technique I talk about frequently in couple therapy, called self-soothing.
Self-soothing can take many forms. All of them help you reduce stress.
This is important because it lets you pick what works best for you and it gives you options so that if one form doesn’t seem to fit what you need in that moment, you can choose another. I also love that it’s a free tool that we have available to us at any given time, as long as we remember to call upon it. The one thing all forms have in common is that they each communicate in various ways to the body that you’re safe from life-threatening danger, which signals the brain to return to normal functioning. Let’s take a look at some ways that you can self-soothe in times of conflict or stress:
- The easiest form of self-soothing is simply to breathe. When we’re stressed our breathing becomes shallow. Focusing on slowing down your breath, by trying to exhale just a little bit longer than you inhale for 5-10 breaths, sends signals from your nervous system to your brain that you’re safe.
- Take A Walk
- Another way to soothe is to take a walk. Moving your body and focusing on a new environment can help. If you’d like, layer on support by focusing on 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can smell, and 2 things you can touch to bring your mind into the present and signal that you’re not in immediate danger. Side note: If you are in conflict with your partner do let them know what you are doing and that you need a minute to be in nature and move your body. Sometimes partners can feel abandoned (also part of survival!) and take action to continue the conversation. It is important for them to know that you will be back and are not walking away with things unresolved.
- Skin to skin contact can be ultra soothing because it releases oxytocin, a hormone in the body associated with love and social closeness, and can remind us of being held by someone close. While it’s not always possible to get a hug or other forms of non-sexual skin to skin contact from others (especially now during a pandemic or if you’re in a fight with your partner) you can gain the same physical benefits from your own skin to skin contact. To get some on your own, take a small time out where you can massage your scalp, give yourself a hug, or place your hand over your heart or on your bare belly for a few minutes and focus on the physical sensation of contact or think of loved ones that bring you comfort.
- Hugs: The Perfect Skin to Skin Contact
We’ve all experienced those moments where we feel a sense of electricity running through our veins, feel our body tensing up, and our breath becoming more shallow as we fight to maintain our cool as we face challenges.
You’re not alone and you’re not broken.
While our fight or flight mechanism was designed to keep us safe from life-threatening predators, it hasn’t evolved to capture the nuance of today’s stressors, and can protect us a little bit too much for our own good at times. It needs our wisdom and help in those moments to let it know whether this is a life-threatening stressor or a modern day stressor that we can handle, so that it knows how to respond. Self-soothing gives us the tools to do that, and helps us reduce stress and conflict.
We must first recognize, through signs from our body (shallow breathing, tense muscles, upset stomach, feeling like we can’t reason like we normally do) that we need some soothing. Then we can choose something that feels good to us in that moment so that we can reset our brain and nervous system. This kicks that logical reasoning part of the brain back on, and helps us respond in ways that feel more effective and beneficial for us and our loved ones. Science tells us that when we’re in a fight or flight mode, it typically takes about 20 minutes for our nervous system, including our brain, to come back into balance. Make sure you give yourself adequate time to soothe and let all that goodness make its way to your brain before you return to the task or tasks at hand.
Life is challenging, and while you love your partner and family members, it can be difficult to navigate things with them, especially right now, so give yourself a break and set yourself up to be as successful as possible while facing challenges with this great tool. Then, go on being your best self. And if you need help and support, or want to take this to the next level, we have your back. Click here to set up an appointment and start the journey to your best self!
Ready to Start Therapy to Reduce Stress and Strengthen Communication in Florida?
Beginning the journey to your best self is easier than most of the things we’re all doing right now! Trauma therapy does not have to wait. You can get the mental health support you need with a skilled therapist in St. Pete or with online therapy in Florida. To begin, just follow these simple steps:
- Contact us to request an appointment
- Meet with one of our experienced therapists.
- Get support & begin your journey toward mental wellness & connection today!
Other Mental Health and Wellness Services at ME-Therapy
Therapy can take many forms. At our St. Petersburg therapy & wellness clinic, we want to will help your mind but also want to feed your soul. This means our therapists and wellness team take a holistic approach to your wellbeing. In order to do this, our therapists offer individual therapy for women, therapy for men, trauma therapy, therapy for anxiety, art therapy and holistic, spiritual therapy. In addition to standard marriage counseling & couples therapy, our relationship therapists also provide sex therapy, affair recovery counseling and poly-friendly kink aware therapy.
All of these services can be provided in-person at our St. Petersburg, FL counseling clinic or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Florida. If you have any questions about therapy, please visit our FAQ page! Also, you may consider reading more of our blog posts to get to know us a bit better. Finally, thank you for allowing ME-Therapy to be a part of your life journey!
