Loss is one of the most lonely and devastating events you can go through. We rarely know how to support someone who is grieving. People are often at a loss for words and feel unsure how to support someone through their grief. In this two-part article, I will first outline how to support a loved one through grief and second, if you’re grieving, how to grieve well.
First, a couple of notes to keep in mind. This blog is specifically for those who lost an immediate family member. That’s not to say losing an extended family member isn’t difficult; it’s just different.
Additionally, grief is a unique experience for each individual. What is outlined here isn’t the only way to go through this process healthfully; it’s just a collection of ideas that might be useful. Lastly, grief is a process, something to move through and adapt to your new normal. As much as you want to go back to your old life, these events have forever impacted you and your healing journey will be ongoing.
How to support a loved one through grief:
Often, those who have just lost somebody are in shock. The circumstances haven’t settled in yet so they may move through life feeling a bit detached. They might also be extremely overwhelmed with the multitude of decisions that have to be made, following their loved one’s passing.
You can show your support by telling them exactly what you are willing to help with.
Doing so relieves them of having to make yet another decision when they are already feeling overwhelmed. Offer to bring a meal, do the grocery shopping, help with errands, etc. Make your offers specific. For example, “Let me clean your house, and here is some money to watch a comedy in the theater.” Or, “I booked you a hotel room; go get some rest while I watch your kids for the evening.” It doesn’t need to be extravagant. It’s simply realizing that people experiencing grief often don’t have any energy to care for themselves, let alone care for other people. This is one of the most difficult aspects of grief. Providing a plan for how they can care for themselves, with your support, shows them they are loved.
Whenever someone is grieving, it is important to keep offering opportunities for connection and support, in the weeks, months, and years to come, even when the person may seem fine.
Societal expectations can make a person feel like they have to put on a brave face and pull it together, once a few weeks have gone by.
They might go back to school or work and resume their regular routines. Things can appear deceptively normal on the outside. Usually, this is when the numbness and shock wear off and the pain of loss seeps in. The person becomes more aware of their loved one’s absence as they go through the motions of daily life without them. Checking in with them periodically can help them feel seen and cared for.
Death anniversaries can be especially difficult, but having someone remember and reach out to them matters a lot.
Knowing the right words to say to someone is hard and bringing up the anniversary can feel awkward. However, checking in can be as simple as sending a text that says, “Thinking of you. Is there anything I can do to help you feel supported today?”. You can also call them and say, “I noticed today was the anniversary so I am just calling to check in to see if there is anything I can do to make your day easier?”, or “If you want to talk about how you are feeling, I am here to listen”.
If you welcome them to authentically experience their emotions without judgment, this can make all the difference in the world.
By not offering advice or comparing their loss to another, you are encouraging them to take up space and process their grief. They may or may not wish to talk. Maybe they want a hug or maybe they need physical space. Sometimes, it might be better if you offer to help them in practical ways so they can unwind by themselves. Other times, they may want a social activity to distract them from the overwhelming amount of emotions they feel. The best way to find out about their needs is to ask them and offer your help specifically, even if it feels awkward.
Grief is a unique experience for each person.
There is no right or wrong way to feel pain. By offering to comfort and support them, without trying to fix them, you are letting the other person know that they are worthy of being loved, even when they aren’t feeling their best.
Another way you can connect is by sharing a special memory that you have of the loved one.
This can be very comforting for the person who is going through loss. The memory may be something they never knew about their loved one or it could affirm how special they were. If you didn’t know or have a relationship with the person who passed, you can say something like, “This sucks, my heart really goes out to you.” By doing so, you are acknowledging the pain that comes with loss. It also shows empathy instead of pity.
Lastly, the most helpful aspect could be saying nothing at all and allowing the person to cry or talk or scream.
Our culture often doesn’t make space for grief and all of the messy emotions that come with it. By making space for your grieving person’s emotions you are giving them permission to feel all aspects of grief. It’s likely they don’t have many places to do this. By sharing the load, offering a listening ear, and telling them what you heard them say, this can be the most healing kindness they experience. Doing this will be hard. You might also be uncomfortable, but you are making a difference for that person as they navigate one of the most painful parts of life.
If you are having a difficult time supporting someone through loss or have experienced a loss yourself, please reach out. We are here to hold the space of these difficult emotions and experiences. We want to help share the burden of this pain. You do not have to go through it alone.
By Karissa Stewart, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern (IMH21998)
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