One of the most lonely and devastating experiences you can go through is grief. Very few people know what they need after losing a loved one. In part two of this blog series, I will outline a couple of aspects to keep in mind as you go through your journey with grief.
Similar to part one, there are a few disclaimers.
This article is written specifically for those who’ve lost an immediate family member. That’s not to say losing an extended family member isn’t difficult, it’s just different.
Additionally, grief is a unique experience for everyone.
What is outlined here isn’t the only way to go through this process healthfully; it’s just a collection of ideas that might be useful. Lastly, grief is a process, something to move through and adapt to your new normal. As much as you want to go back to your old life, these events have forever impacted you and your healing journey will be ongoing.
For those grieving…it sucks.
(Which is an understatement).
The way you feel immediately after losing a loved one, is an experience like no other. After the numbness wears off, the pain is overwhelming. The experience of grief is like getting hit by an ocean wave so massive that it makes you lose your orientation. You struggle desperately to reach the surface for a breath of air because you weren’t prepared to be cut off from oxygen. As soon as you surface, another enormous wave sucks you back under. The cycle repeats. Sometimes you are scared for your life, wondering if you will ever get the air you so desperately need. You wonder if the waves will ever stop pulling you under.
It may feel hopeless, but I am here to tell you that you will get to the surface. The waves will spread out. Grief will become less intense.
Grief comes and goes like the ocean tides.
Sometimes the pain will feel suffocating. You might feel a choking sensation in your neck. Other times, you will be thankful to take a breath. There will also be times when you forget special dates that you shared with the other person. By contrast, you will also experience days or moments when all you will want is that person. You are learning what life looks like without them and it is excruciatingly painful.
Lauren Herschel explains this pain well. It’s as if you live your life holding a box with a pain button inside of it. When you lose someone close to you, your box gets a huge ball of grief. As you are going through life, the ball constantly bumps the pain button, triggering feelings of loss. Even though it is painful at the moment, the ball does gradually grow smaller overtime and the pain button won’t be activated as often. To read more about this analogy and see a visual representation, click here.
Experiencing pain is difficult for both you and the people you are closest to.
Often, others will jump into “fix it” mode, instead of giving you what you need because they want to stop the pain. Unfortunately, they can’t bandage a hemorrhaging heart. People are going to mess up and probably say or do something extremely hurtful even though they don’t mean to. It is helpful to be aware and to know that you are not alone in this experience.
Another aspect of this process is when others ask, “What do you need?”
It is normal not to know the answer. You have just gone through a traumatic life event, possibly for the first time.
Some ideas of what to ask for can include:
- Doing your laundry
- Cleaning your house or apartment
- Bringing you a meal
- Time off of work
- A phone call to check in a few weeks later
- A suggestion for a comedy movie or show
- Financial support to offset funeral expenses (i.e. flight, hotel etc.)
- Going outside together
- Watching your kids for a day or the night
These all may seem basic and perhaps some guilt might arise when you suggest any of these items. But keep in mind that you are just trying to survive and get a breath of air. Those who are asking, genuinely want to help and are willing to jump in if you give them specific requests.
Similarly, taking care of yourself during this time is essential to your wellbeing as you process the initial phase of loss.
Basic things such as taking a shower, sleeping, brushing your teeth, and maintaining your hair are all ways you can practice self-care and feel grounded. It is easy during this time to beat yourself up with the “could’ve,” “would’ve,” “should’ve.” You might even feel guilty for ordering food every night of the week. Remember, you have experienced a trauma. It’s ok to treat yourself with kindness and give yourself a break while your heart is healing.
It may be helpful to note that those experiencing grief are sometimes prone to immersing themselves in certain activities to avoid their pain.
It can be as simple as binge watching shows or drinking more than usual. Although these activities aren’t harmful in moderation, it is important to hold space for your emotions by taking the time to be with them. Going for a walk, writing in your journal, or calling a friend are just a few ways you can do this.
It is also helpful to think of grief as a non-linear process.
Your emotions can be as different and ever-changing as this journey. You can experience times of acceptance and then, a minute later be infuriated at the situation. The five stages of grief is one of the most popular ways to historically explain bereavement. However, the model was originally developed for patients diagnosed with terminal illness. It was only later that the model was applied to those who had lost a loved one. Research indicates that some individuals may only go through three or four of the stages while others go through all five (Feldman, 2017). So, while it might be tempting to force yourself to go through the different stages to “feel better,” to “finish grieving”, or to know where you are at in the process, that isn’t how grief works. Knowing the different phases of grief can be helpful, but everyone has a unique journey.
All in all, there are many ways you can grieve well.
By voicing your needs to others and by giving yourself time and space to process, you can heal. In time, you will adjust to life and the reality of the situation. The pain can be overwhelming to carry on your own, especially in the early days of loss. At Me-Therapy, we are here to share that burden and support you as you navigate through your grieving process. Healing is possible and growth is inevitable. We hope you take the first courageous step and seek out support during this difficult time.
Reference
Feldman, D. B. (2017, July 7). Why the five stages of grief are wrong. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/supersurvivors/201707/why-the-five-stages-grief-are-wrong
By Karissa Stewart, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern (IMH21998)
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