The other day I was on my way to the beach. The bag of essentials packed, beach chairs loaded, and sunscreen on. Plopping on the sand – it felt colder on my toes than I was hoping for. The wind felt harsh carrying that winter chill. I was wrapped in a towel for warmth and didn’t feel as relaxed as I hoped. I found myself frustrated, which was the opposite goal of going to the beach for a break. The sand was the same, the sound of the crashing waves still rhythmically turning over, but they didn’t feel the same. Why? These pesky things called expectations.
Expectations can creep in unseen, or they can be as clear as daylight, and be woefully disappointed.
Disappointed expectations can lead to reactions such as irritability, sadness, or anxiety. I realized my frustration was due to unmet expectations. I expected a trip to the beach to include closing my eyes and feeling tension melt under the warm rays of the sun. The reality was shivering, wrapped in a beach towel turned blanket.
Unmet expectations can cause distress in lots of situations. Often, this can take place in the context of relationships. Sometimes you don’t realize the expectations you (or your partner) had until they aren’t met.
Expectations aren’t a bad thing – they help orient us to what we value and hope for.
They can give guidance, such as the expectation to show up to work on time. Or, they can help orient us to what we value and hope for. You value quality time with your partner and enjoy giving them your full attention! However, you become extra frustrated when they keep checking notifications on their phone during date night. The expectation? That your partner would spend that intentional time with you uninterrupted.
Expectations can also be big or small.
An expectation that dirty clothes go in the clothes hamper and not on the floor. Or, you expect every day of the vacation to be smooth and perfect. As my beach experience shows, we are not always in control of the “perfect” conditions. Weather changes, delays happen, and everyone is not always on the same page.
So how do you avoid hitting the potholes expectations create?
The first thing is to bring in awareness. When an emotion is popping up, approach it with curiosity. Was there perhaps an expectation here that you didn’t know about? By identifying the missed expectation you have the chance to self-soothe and practice communication.
In the example of frustration interrupting date night, once you can identify that you are frustrated because you expected your partner’s undivided attention, you can address it. It’s valid if you feel disappointed or hurt, but your partner might not know you feel this way or why. Did your partner know this was an expectation? If not, you could communicate by saying “Hey – I’m realizing that I was really hoping tonight could be distraction free. Can we put our phones away?” If this has been an expectation that was laid out before, it can be a chance for a reminder.
The ME-Therapy therapists recognize that this can be awkward and hard to do!
Couples counseling can help navigate these conversations and work towards clear communication in the future. Awareness takes practice as does communication. Therapy can provide a space to grow those skills. Unmet expectations can be complex to navigate because your emotions are usually activated. When you are feeling angry or hurt, communication can be reactive and blaming. That can lead to defensiveness and before you know it the unmet expectations have led to a full argument – and you’re not even sure what you’re arguing about!
Adaptability, flexibility and clear communication can help mitigate the pain that comes with expectations running the show.
In a time when you have been forced to adapt to so much change that comes with a global pandemic, tensions might feel higher in your relationship. Or you may feel like you’ve lost any semblance of patience these days. Our expectations for what 2020 would be – and even the beginning of 2021 – may be piled in a heap at our feet.
If you feel you are struggling with how to cope with the disappointments, the frustration, the overwhelm, ME-Therapy therapists are here to support you.
If you feel you are struggling with how to cope with the disappointments, the frustration, the overwhelm, ME-Therapy therapists are here to support you. Through anxiety treatment, couples counseling, or family therapy we are here to help you navigate the inevitable pot holes. We can help sort through the pile of expectations that lay in a broken mess at your feet. Assist in strengthening awareness and communication around your expectations, or helping you discover which expectations need some adjusting to help you live most authentically.
Ready to Start Therapy in Florida?
Beginning the journey to your best self is easier than most of the things we’re all doing right now! Trauma therapy does not have to wait. You can get the mental health support you need with a skilled therapist in St. Pete or with online therapy in Florida. To begin, just follow these simple steps:
- Contact us to request an appointment
- Meet with one of our experienced therapists.
- Get support & begin your journey toward mental wellness & connection today!
Other Mental Health and Wellness Services at ME-Therapy
At ME-Therapy, we believe in the importance of mental, emotional & physical wellbeing. Our therapists want to help your mind but also want to feed your soul. This means we take a holistic approach to mental health. In order to do this, we offer a wide range of mental health services in our St. Petersburg office and online including therapy for women, therapy for men, trauma therapy, therapy for anxiety, and holistic, spiritual therapy. For couples and relationships, we want you to know that our relationship therapists are here for you ALL. In addition to marriage counseling, we provide sex therapy, affair recovery counseling, and poly-friendly kink aware therapy.
