Have you noticed that some things in your relationship aren’t as smooth as you want them to be? Your partner matters deeply to you and you want to feel more connected. You recently asked them to go to couples therapy or marriage counseling with you, but they don’t want to go. What do you do next? In this blog post, you will learn how to respond when your partner doesn’t want couples therapy, but you do.
Being in this situation can bring up a lot of painful emotions. You might feel brushed aside, hopeless, frustrated, or alone. You might even feel rejected and like your feelings don’t matter. It’s alright to feel this way. Many people in your situation do. When your partner doesn’t want couples therapy, it’s helpful to respect their choice. Chances are, you really want them to go with you. It’s upsetting to you that they are opting out. However, if your partner feels pressured into going, they are less likely to be engaged during therapy. Couples counseling is a collaborative process. The best results occur when both individuals are fully present with each other and their therapist.
When your partner doesn’t want couples therapy, you might not know how to respond in a way that is helpful.
You want to have communication that is both authentic and constructive. You also don’t want to engage in a power struggle. There is nothing wrong with telling your partner when you feel hurt. However, if they feel blamed or accused during a disagreement, this can create a barrier to the connection you both desire. This is why it’s helpful to use “I feel A when I hear or see that you are B” statements. For example, “I feel frustrated when I hear that you aren’t interested in couples therapy”. In this scenario, you are being emotionally open without blaming or accusing your partner. This is also a great segue for using the next tip.
When your partner doesn’t want couples therapy, ask them if they are willing to share their reasons with you.
While you’ve made it clear that you respect their choice, knowing what’s going on provides insight. If they agree to share, it’s helpful to listen with the intention of understanding the underlying issues. The purpose isn’t to change their mind; you are simply asking them to share their experience with you. Once you understand their reasoning, you can brainstorm some solutions. Maybe they don’t want to go because they are afraid of being judged by others for going to couples therapy. They may also fear they will be judged harshly by the therapist when they talk about the relationship. You can then ask them under what conditions they would feel more at ease. Maybe going to couples therapy is a matter of finding the right therapist. Perhaps they would feel better if choosing the therapist was a joint effort. It could also be that they feel afraid the therapist will take sides. If this is the case, you can ask them under what conditions they’d feel differently.
Couples therapy is a useful tool for cultivating a more fulfilling relationship with your partner.
Through working closely with a caring therapist, you can create a greater level of intimacy with your partner. However, we understand that depending on where a person is at in their own journey towards healing, they may not feel ready to go.
When your partner doesn’t want couples therapy, there are still other options.
For example, maybe they’d be willing to read a couples self help book with you instead. Or, you could ask them if they’d attend a relationship workshop with you. Both ideas aren’t the same thing as therapy, but they do offer practical guidance for bettering your relationship. Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson is an excellent resource for couples. This book explores how our childhood experiences affect our romantic relationships later in life and how we can experience healing with a partner. It also offers practical steps and meaningful insights for strengthening and deepening your connection. Another book you can read together is An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples by Veronica Kallos-Lily and Jennifer Fitzgerald. This book is geared towards couples who are seeing a therapist for emotionally focused therapy (EFT). However, you and your partner can still benefit from the book, even when you aren’t seeing a couples therapist. The communication skills the book teaches are invaluable when it comes to making a relationship work. As for online articles, we recommend the Gottman Institute. Their resources are well researched and widely known for their effectiveness in bettering relationships.
Additionally, you can attend workshops at Me-Therapy as they become available. Our workshops are wholeness and authenticity-focused. This is a space where you can get to know yourself better, feel lovingly accepted just as you are, and finally find a sense of belonging. Our therapists specialize in helping those of all lovestyles and relationship styles craft more fulfilling relationships. We are here to offer you guidance and support on your journey. This is why our website has a place dedicated to free resources, you can access at any time.
Practicing acceptance can be really helpful when your partner doesn’t want couples counseling.
Acceptance is about releasing the expectation or desire that they will change their mind. When you no longer wish to change their decision, you’re able to be more present with them, wherever they’re at. Accepting their choice allows you to relate to them as they are, not as who they could be. By fostering a non-judgmental stance in your relationship, this helps create a sense of emotional safety in your conversations. It encourages feelings of authenticity and intimacy.
It can also be helpful to open yourself up to noticing the ways that they are doing the work to increase connection.
You might be surprised at what you see! Maybe it’s something small, like offering to do the dishes after dinner or a kind gesture like holding your hand. It could be that your partner expresses caring by asking you about your day or offers to help you with a task. If you express gratitude when your partner makes an effort to connect, it can make them feel seen and appreciated. By noticing and acknowledging what they are doing well, you can cultivate emotional closeness with your partner.
You may feel worried about the future of your relationship.
Although this is a challenging circumstance, this doesn’t necessarily mean things can’t improve. It just means you might need help figuring out what to do next. When your partner doesn’t want couples therapy, you can still see a couples therapist on your own. Seeing a couples therapist by yourself can help you change the way you relate to your relationship. If your partner sees it working for you individually, they might be inspired to join you. Regardless of their choice, you can learn ways to build connection, empathy, and love with your partner by attending therapy, individually. When you know yourself better, you can feel better.
Ready to Find A Therapist in St. Petersburg, FL?
Beginning the journey to your best self is easier than most of the things we’re all doing right now! Therapy does not have to wait. You can get the mental health support you need with a skilled therapist for relationships in St. Pete or with online therapy in Florida. To begin, just follow these simple steps:
- Contact us to request an appointment
- Meet with one of our experienced therapists.
- Get support & begin your journey toward mental wellness & connection today!
Other Mental Health and Wellness Services at ME-Therapy
At ME-Therapy, we believe in the importance of mental, emotional & physical wellbeing. Our therapists want to help your mind but also want to feed your soul. This means we take a holistic approach to mental health. In order to do this, we offer a wide range of mental health services in our St. Petersburg office and online including therapy for women, therapy for men, trauma therapy, and holistic, spiritual therapy. For couples and relationships, we want you to know that our relationship therapists are here for you ALL. In addition to marriage counseling, we provide sex therapy, affair recovery counseling, and poly-friendly kink-aware therapy.
