Do you struggle with communication in your relationship? It can be hard to know how to talk about what matters most when you are fighting, or don’t even know where the conflict is coming from. Validation is a powerful tool to communicate with anyone…including your partner. This blog post will share six different ways that each partner can use validation in their daily communication.
Validation as a Communication Tool in Relationships
Validation is a way to communicate that you are listening to your partner. It says, “I hear what you’re saying…and I understand how it makes sense for you and why it matters so much to you.” Validation can be expressed in words, tone of voice, body language, facial expressions—or even just by taking time out from the conversation without interrupting what they’re saying with advice or suggestions on how they could do things differently.
Everyone wants to feel heard and understood when they communicate…especially when talking to their romantic partner. So, it’s important to be able to validate your partner when they express their feelings about something….even if you REALLY disagree with a big part of what they are saying. Once we’ve done that, it will be easier for them to hear your own feelings or opinions on the topic.
Mental health professionals talk a lot about validation, but I first learned about validation when I was learning Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) more than 12 years ago. I loved that they break validation down into six specific levels that I can think about when I am feeling emotional yet know I need to somehow validate the other person. Since that time, I have to be honest that I’ve frequently thought about this framework and carefully incorporated these levels of validation into countless interactions with my own spouse.
There are six levels of validation – Here’s how to use them with a partner
While validation may not fix all of your problems as a couple, it can be a great place to start. So, let’s look together at the six levels of validation and how each can apply when you need to validate your partner
Level 1 : Pay Attention
Essentially, level 1 is all about active listening. When you are talking to your partner, the first thing that they need is for you to communicate that you care by showing that you are truly hearing what they say. Listen with an open mind and show them that their opinion matters by interrupting less or turning away from what’s happening while he/she speaks; this may be hard sometimes if one of us disagrees on something (or has missed some information).
Honestly, when we were first married, it was really hard for me not to interrupt my husband when he would tell me about something that happened at work. I had all kinds of advice and comments running through my head as he spoke. This annoyed him because he felt like I didn’t care what he said; his feelings weren’t important enough for me to listen more carefully. So, for a while he just stopped telling me much of anything that he did at work.Then it dawned on me: he needed to feel heard just like my clients at work did. He often wasn’t looking for my advice. Now, if he gives me a really short answer about how work is, I make a point of turning my body more toward him and ask another question to show that I really care. It can be hard when he walks in and I’m in the middle of cooking dinner or managing kids, but I’ve found that if I can find the space to really communicate that I’m fully listening, it’s worth it. He shares more information and feels more supported by me.
Example: Let’s talk about something a little more difficult than just listening to a partner after work…Let’s say that your partner has been really stressed lately and is upset that the living room is a mess. They start a long tirade about how messy the house is…again. Your immediate temptation is to stop them and argue how busy you are or how the mess isn’t really that bad yet. But instead, you move closer to where your spouse is in the room and fully listen. When they pause you nod your head encouraging them to go on.
Level 2. Reflect Back
Once your partner has shared with you how they feel about something, the next step is to reflect back in your own words what it was that triggered this feeling or what they’ve said so far. This does NOT mean repeating verbatim everything that person just told us, but essentially summarizing it. Essentially, you are checking in to make sure you understand them and to make sure they feel understood before you move forward with your own thoughts or point of view.
Example: Your partner is upset that you were late getting home and didn’t answer their texts or calls all day. They have listed every other time you’ve made similar mistakes and are clearly upset. You summarize this by saying, “You were worried about where I was all day and then when you realized I was safe you felt frustrated that this seems to keep happening.” Before defending yourself or explaining your side of things, you’re showing that you’ve heard their concerns.
Level 3: “Read Minds”
If you want to be a really effective listener, it is important that not only do you listen to what your partner is saying, but also what they aren’t saying. You also need your intuition and any information from past conversations or interactions with them as well! Once these aspects are combined, you can use Level 3 validation. This is the act of understanding what someone means through feeling connected rather than just hearing words. Essentially, this level means guessing what you think the deeper meaning might be or what else might be at play. Don’t be afraid to be wrong here. It’s ok if they answer, “No, it’s more like…..” Even if you are a little “off” in your assumptions (you aren’t actually a mind reader after all), most likely, your partner will still feel validated knowing that you’re trying to understand what’s going on.
Example: Your partner is really upset that the two of you are running late to meet their parents for dinner. They keep talking about how long it took you to get ready. You know their relationship with their parents is pretty estranged. You say, “You’re stressed about seeing your parents tonight.” You’re acknowledging the elephant in the car: Their frustration isn’t really with how long you took to get ready, but more with the upcoming visit with their parents.
Level 4: Show Understanding
This level is where you use your understanding of what could be causing their anxiety and why THEY might feel this way….even if we wouldn’t feel this way in the same situation. This takes it one step further than just validating that they’re experiencing certain feelings or thoughts since now, with our knowledge about them as well as how life has treated them up to this point; we have a more complete understanding of what they’re saying. Essentially, you are able to dig deeper into why they might be experiencing these feelings or thoughts.
Example: Your partner has been complaining lately about feeling tired, run down and stressed out. They mention how annoying it is to drive home in the dark. You remember that they felt the same way last Winter. You say, “I know this time of year is harder for you. It would be easier if you could still get outside and bike like you do in the summer, but the colder weather and earlier sunset make that difficult. You just overall feel more blah in the winter.”
Level 5: Acknowledge the Validation
This is my favorite level of validation when I’m able to use it. It’s where you acknowledge that their feelings, thoughts or beliefs are valid and true. A great phrase to use here is “Anyone would feel this way.” However, please note it’s important to only use this when you mean it. Otherwise, your statement will come across as dismissive or invalidating. In essence, this is just where you’re saying that their feelings or interpretations are normal.
Example: Your partner has expressed feeling angry with you, because it feels like you don’t support their work. They’ve given several examples of times they didn’t feel supported by you. You don’t see the situation the same way, but you can tell they are upset. You say, “Anyone would feel upset if they didn’t think their partner appreciated their work.”
Level 6: Show Equality
Level 6 is all about treating your partner as an equal by being radically genuine with them. You are sharing yourself with them and often this one requires a little vulnerability on your part. This level is about being honest and not judging or jumping to conclusions. You are truly saying, “I’m here for you, we’re in this together.” I know it’s a hard thing to do, but treating your partner as an equal and believing in them will help you move forward. When you show your loved one that they are not alone in the struggle, it can be a turning point in a difficult situation.
Example: Your partner has been having a hard time at work lately due to a difficult boss. They have said how stressed out they feel over the situation and just said that they’ve never been so miserable at a job before. You happen to remember they had an even worse boss when you first met. You respond to them, “Really? Never?” And they laugh and respond, “Oh yeah, I guess John was worse, huh?” The brief laughter and lighter response shows that your comment was in fact validating.
It’s important to note that Level 6 is hard to give an example for, because it depends so much on the relationship between you and your partner. If you’re in a REALLY bad place, it’s possible your attempts at this level may come off as flippant or uncaring so think about how your statement will be taken in the context of your relationship right now.
Start Using Validation With Your Partner
If you’ve ever felt like an argument is never going to end, or that your partner just doesn’t understand how you’re feeling — try using a couple of these levels to validate your partner the next time you get into that stuck spot. Show your partner that you understand where they’re coming from, hear what they are saying and respect their feelings before trying to defend yourself or share your point of view.
Honesty, this may feel a little awkward at first. And you may have to give it a lot of thought. But it’s worth it. Your partner is more likely to hear you or feel less attacked when they know you “get” what they’re trying to say. So, taking that first step to validate them before sharing your personal reactions may go a long way in improving the communication in your relationship!
Couples Therapy & Relationship Counseling in Florida
If you and your partner are really struggling, these techniques might help a little bit, but it might also be time for support from a professional. I highly recommend calling Me-Therapy for additional support through Couples Therapy or Relationship Counseling.
About the guest author
Jessica Tappana is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and owns a group psychotherapy practice in Missouri. She’s not a couples counselor herself, but has taught countless people to apply these six levels of validation to a wide range of populations.
